I have been carrying a few things around since January that I have to get off my chest. The longer I carry it around, the angrier I get. Since I can't tell these people directly what I need to say, I figure it's better that I do it here, names withheld.
To the ER nurse that "took care" of my husband when I brought him in. Quit. Quit before you kill someone. I told you that his issue was abdominal and yet, you insisted that you do not 1 but 2 EKG's. On top of that, you asked him how he felt. He told you that the pain burned. Your stupid ass then told him that he needed to make sure he took a tums for his heart burn. WTF???? NO ONE ever told you he had heart burn. Your dumb ass was too busy NOT LISTENING to what he said. Yes you dumb cracker, pain can burn. On top of that, HOW DARE YOU ask me how he was doing 2 weeks later.
To the 2 bimbo skanks that "took care" of my husband on the floor. I'd like to punch both of you incompentent bitches in the face. The next time you get a raise, you should buy a personality and some quality care skills. I pray to whomever it is that I need to that you NEVER treat another family the way you treated mine.
To the people that decided that we were not entitled to privacy, go screw yourselves. I hope some day your personal lives are spread all over the 6pm news.
there I feel MUCH better now.
Thursday, June 2, 2011
Friday, April 29, 2011
My skeletons
May is mental health awareness month. 1 in 5 Americans has a mental health issue. Having an issue does not mean that one is crazy. These issues are not something that are contagious, However for those that have them, they can be life threatenIng.
A friend recently went to the VA to seek assistance with classic PTSD symptoms. The individual he spoke to told him that because he'd never been in combat, there was no way he could have PTSD. More mental health care being provide obviously the lowest bidder. Any instance in a persons life that is traumatic enough to them can cause PTSD. In my life, I have had 2 major medical emergencies that are the root of my PTSD. I have been told I'm lying about my PTSD (why cause ive never seen combat mr VA man?) I'm making it up etc. I know what I am forced to live with. Yes, PTSD can lie dormant for years and something can trigger it...a sight, a smell, a chain of events. Just like a combat vet can not watch a war movie or deal with the sounds of fireworks, maybe a simple elevator ride, term, phrase or smell is enough to trigger someone elses PTSD. PTSD can come from any traumatic experience. Domestic violence, verbal, emotional or physical abuse...the list goes on and on. 2 people can share the same experience yet only one can walk away with PTSD.
I can honestly say that along with the PTSD I have bouts of depression. I don't have it all the time, but somedays are a total struggle. Ive learned to live with both of these demons, and rarely do I share with anyone that I'm forcing myself to cope, to live another day. Some days I just want to give up and give in. But I find something, some reason that it would not be worth not being here. It gets very difficult for me when that reason lashes out rather than understanding. But then again I don't expect anyone to understand. Somedays I don't even understand why I can be in a great mood, then switch to anger or gloom and doom right before I have a flashback I dont want to have. I'm not even sure why I'm crying uncontrollably as I try to get anyone reading to understand. I wouldn't want anyone to walk a mile in my shoes.
Why am I sharing this information that is probably making me look like a total nut job? Because I could be your mother, sister, brother...if you never figured me out and you've known me for any length of time, how do you know someone you love isn't just like me?
A friend recently went to the VA to seek assistance with classic PTSD symptoms. The individual he spoke to told him that because he'd never been in combat, there was no way he could have PTSD. More mental health care being provide obviously the lowest bidder. Any instance in a persons life that is traumatic enough to them can cause PTSD. In my life, I have had 2 major medical emergencies that are the root of my PTSD. I have been told I'm lying about my PTSD (why cause ive never seen combat mr VA man?) I'm making it up etc. I know what I am forced to live with. Yes, PTSD can lie dormant for years and something can trigger it...a sight, a smell, a chain of events. Just like a combat vet can not watch a war movie or deal with the sounds of fireworks, maybe a simple elevator ride, term, phrase or smell is enough to trigger someone elses PTSD. PTSD can come from any traumatic experience. Domestic violence, verbal, emotional or physical abuse...the list goes on and on. 2 people can share the same experience yet only one can walk away with PTSD.
I can honestly say that along with the PTSD I have bouts of depression. I don't have it all the time, but somedays are a total struggle. Ive learned to live with both of these demons, and rarely do I share with anyone that I'm forcing myself to cope, to live another day. Some days I just want to give up and give in. But I find something, some reason that it would not be worth not being here. It gets very difficult for me when that reason lashes out rather than understanding. But then again I don't expect anyone to understand. Somedays I don't even understand why I can be in a great mood, then switch to anger or gloom and doom right before I have a flashback I dont want to have. I'm not even sure why I'm crying uncontrollably as I try to get anyone reading to understand. I wouldn't want anyone to walk a mile in my shoes.
Why am I sharing this information that is probably making me look like a total nut job? Because I could be your mother, sister, brother...if you never figured me out and you've known me for any length of time, how do you know someone you love isn't just like me?
Friday, February 25, 2011
"free healthcare" will kill you
After recent adventures in the healthcare system, it has become painfully clear that free healthcare will kill us. Yes....dead....kill us. Thinking back in something the surgeon said to my husband, I started researching a medication the. VA prescribed to him over a year ago. He took it because he was told he needed it. He was not told that this medication was a "last resort" medication, meaning that other meds had been prescribed for treatment and had failed before this one was to be prescribed. Note, he had NOT been I on ANY meds for "high tryglycerides" prior to this, the VA quack wrote the script out of the blue. Nor were we told side effects to this medication was pancrititis, liver damage, gallstones and gallbladder removal. Yes once again we will fix your tryglycerides, but kill you in the process. I'm sure all of you by now are yelling "fire that quack and get a good Dr!!!!" Not so fast there speedy, you see once you are Assigned to a quack in this "free" healthcare system, it actually takes an act of congress to get another doc and that's ONLY if the quack you're trying to leave does not object. So now what are your choices? The va is a free healthcare system that our veterans are stuck with. Care provided by staff that other hospitals would never employ. I am not refering to the speciality clinic Drs. The majority are fantastic docs trying to take good care of our vets when someone else has already done their damage. Is this what you people really want? To be nothing more than a number and a test subject? You can shove your "free" Heathcare, I'm rather fond of living.
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
I choose to be offended.....
Sometimes it seems that we can solve the worlds problems and issues with a pot of coffee and a good, intelligent thought provoking conversation. Recently, we were discussing situations in which we learned something and took that away with us for life. In the 9th grade,
I was seated next to a gentleman with blue hair and piercings in mr jones biology class. Being the early 80's this was something new and I wasn't quite sure how to take this individual. His name was Adam. At first, I was reluctant to have much to do with Adam, As he didn't fit the "norm". As time went on we became good friends and I was able to admit to him some time later that I was actually uncomfortable by his appearance and that was why we didn't talk sooner. Rather than being upset he smiled at me, hugged me and made a statement that has stated with me from that moment on...."to each his own my love". (Adam was in theater as well I'm sure the line came from one of the many plays he was in)
Earlier this week I was involved in another conversation in which I took away another tidbit. I had stared to each his own in which came the reply "I choose to be offended". The point was made that when someone does or says something that we find offensive, it's because we choose to be offended. no one had the power or ability to offend us unless we give them that power. Just wanted to give everyone a little food for thought on this Wednesday.
I was seated next to a gentleman with blue hair and piercings in mr jones biology class. Being the early 80's this was something new and I wasn't quite sure how to take this individual. His name was Adam. At first, I was reluctant to have much to do with Adam, As he didn't fit the "norm". As time went on we became good friends and I was able to admit to him some time later that I was actually uncomfortable by his appearance and that was why we didn't talk sooner. Rather than being upset he smiled at me, hugged me and made a statement that has stated with me from that moment on...."to each his own my love". (Adam was in theater as well I'm sure the line came from one of the many plays he was in)
Earlier this week I was involved in another conversation in which I took away another tidbit. I had stared to each his own in which came the reply "I choose to be offended". The point was made that when someone does or says something that we find offensive, it's because we choose to be offended. no one had the power or ability to offend us unless we give them that power. Just wanted to give everyone a little food for thought on this Wednesday.
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
What happens when you have OCD and PTSD, Oy Vey!
Recently, as some of you may know, there has been some stress in our house. Everything seemed to hit at once, and that is never a good thing. I quickly learned that even in times of emergence, I can still hold things together and I can still maintain a level head. I also learned that when everything is said and done, and the last insensitive idiot has reaked their havock and done their damage, the PTSD is still there. And it comes back with a screaming vengence that only Judas Priest would understand.
This time I actually found that due to the actions and words of others, it seemed like my PTSD was a beast that I was never to tame again and no matter what I did, what I said, I could not put the beast back into it's cage and make it lie dormant like it has for so many years previously. At one point, I was actually accused of trying to be the center of attention, rather than it be recognized that there was actually something wrong with me, because as we know, if there is something wrong with SJ, then maybe the rest of us may have issues as well, and you know, we don't want to have to deal with that.
After waking up in the middle of the night screaming and crying until I couldnt cry anymore, being so exhausted that I couldn't function, I decided that it was time to talk to someone. I had an issue that I could no longer contain, no longer control. The beast that I had kept in it's cage for so long had now escaped, taken a bite out of me like my name was Roy and it couldn't be contained again. I found that I was pulling in, pulling away, and it was easier that way, as I did not want to deal, to cope with what was going on. To make matters worse, I also have OCD, meaning that once a tought pops into my brain, the left brain grabs it and refuses to let it go. It obsessives over it and refuses to let it go, be it good or bad.
I talked to a mental health professional that assured me that I was not crazy and explained what triggered my PTSD. Something so simple as the way we treat someone in a stressful situation can be just like pulling the trigger of a gun. The way I was treated and talked to during all this stress, not by just one, but by mutiple people was just like standing infront of a firing squad. It was clear in looking back, that here I was on the front line, a general if you will, leading my troops into battle, having every thought and scernio cross my mind as to what I was going to do, what was plan b, how and what I was going to do to bring my troops back alive and unscathed, and no one, not a single person was concerned about my mental health and well being. The slew of messages that I received demanding to know what was going on, as if their need to know was the only need to know that mattered. The individuals that felt because they thought they knew someone, over stepped their bounds, made decisions that were not theirs to make, and acted as if the general knew nothing of leading troops into battle and undermined my orders. The excuses that were made for these people as my feelings were dismissed, "they didn't mean it that way" "they only meant well" blah blah blah. Regardless of how well meaning it was meant, if something makes us upset, if something rattles us to our very core, then they are OUR feelings and we are justified in that.
As you can see, I was told I could not keep this to myself and it was something I needed to talk about. I didn't feel that I needed to. I was told I can not recontain the beast and let the nightmares go and begin to heal unless I got all this off my chest. I asked if beating those offending individuals with a shovel would do, as I would find that very satisfying. I was told there would not be enough bail money with the list of offenders I have that need beating.
Please take note, the next time you think you mean well, please think before you open your mouth. The next time you think your actions will be received well, please ask before you act. Some of us carry crosses that we bear that you or anyone else will never know about, may never see. We don't like to see them ourselves. Your actions and words may effect someone just as a firing squad would. Don't.
This time I actually found that due to the actions and words of others, it seemed like my PTSD was a beast that I was never to tame again and no matter what I did, what I said, I could not put the beast back into it's cage and make it lie dormant like it has for so many years previously. At one point, I was actually accused of trying to be the center of attention, rather than it be recognized that there was actually something wrong with me, because as we know, if there is something wrong with SJ, then maybe the rest of us may have issues as well, and you know, we don't want to have to deal with that.
After waking up in the middle of the night screaming and crying until I couldnt cry anymore, being so exhausted that I couldn't function, I decided that it was time to talk to someone. I had an issue that I could no longer contain, no longer control. The beast that I had kept in it's cage for so long had now escaped, taken a bite out of me like my name was Roy and it couldn't be contained again. I found that I was pulling in, pulling away, and it was easier that way, as I did not want to deal, to cope with what was going on. To make matters worse, I also have OCD, meaning that once a tought pops into my brain, the left brain grabs it and refuses to let it go. It obsessives over it and refuses to let it go, be it good or bad.
I talked to a mental health professional that assured me that I was not crazy and explained what triggered my PTSD. Something so simple as the way we treat someone in a stressful situation can be just like pulling the trigger of a gun. The way I was treated and talked to during all this stress, not by just one, but by mutiple people was just like standing infront of a firing squad. It was clear in looking back, that here I was on the front line, a general if you will, leading my troops into battle, having every thought and scernio cross my mind as to what I was going to do, what was plan b, how and what I was going to do to bring my troops back alive and unscathed, and no one, not a single person was concerned about my mental health and well being. The slew of messages that I received demanding to know what was going on, as if their need to know was the only need to know that mattered. The individuals that felt because they thought they knew someone, over stepped their bounds, made decisions that were not theirs to make, and acted as if the general knew nothing of leading troops into battle and undermined my orders. The excuses that were made for these people as my feelings were dismissed, "they didn't mean it that way" "they only meant well" blah blah blah. Regardless of how well meaning it was meant, if something makes us upset, if something rattles us to our very core, then they are OUR feelings and we are justified in that.
As you can see, I was told I could not keep this to myself and it was something I needed to talk about. I didn't feel that I needed to. I was told I can not recontain the beast and let the nightmares go and begin to heal unless I got all this off my chest. I asked if beating those offending individuals with a shovel would do, as I would find that very satisfying. I was told there would not be enough bail money with the list of offenders I have that need beating.
Please take note, the next time you think you mean well, please think before you open your mouth. The next time you think your actions will be received well, please ask before you act. Some of us carry crosses that we bear that you or anyone else will never know about, may never see. We don't like to see them ourselves. Your actions and words may effect someone just as a firing squad would. Don't.
Friday, December 31, 2010
Goodbye 2010
As the last few hours of 2010 tick by in this time zone, I have reflected upon the events of the last year. Some good, some bad. I am greatful for all that I have, I am greatful that my children are sucessful and productive people. I am greatful for my family and friends, and my wonderful husband.
Through 9 schedule changes in Cliff's work schedule and every attempt by an evil being, we are still happy and do the best that we can with the limited time we get to spend together.
I have pondered and rather than being angry at those that have tried to make this an impossible year, I actually feel sorry for them. It saddens me that some people can be so unhappy and full of hate, or have no feeling at all, that they have to attempt to make others sad empty shells such as themselves.
I am excited that 2011 will be filled with meaningful projects, such as learning to play my violin and having Cody play his clarnet with me. I am looking forward to working with my awesome cousin Scott in updating the family tree and making a coffee table book with all our history available to future generations. You must see where you have come from before you can continue your journey on the right path. I am hopeful that karma will protect me in my journey and hope that I will not have to pull out my voodoo doll to help it along.
I hope that sometime this year my friends and their partners can be married legally. Life, liberty and the persuit of happiness should not be prohibited by any man.(or woman). I hope Jesse Ventura will run for president. Yeah, I said it. Jesse Ventura. Send a wrestler to the white house, he can't screw it up any worse than it already is. I actually see some good coming out of it.
I will remain optimistic as possible, supportive of my family and friends as possible, assist karma where ever I can, and do what I must to survive this insane roller coaster ride.
Through 9 schedule changes in Cliff's work schedule and every attempt by an evil being, we are still happy and do the best that we can with the limited time we get to spend together.
I have pondered and rather than being angry at those that have tried to make this an impossible year, I actually feel sorry for them. It saddens me that some people can be so unhappy and full of hate, or have no feeling at all, that they have to attempt to make others sad empty shells such as themselves.
I am excited that 2011 will be filled with meaningful projects, such as learning to play my violin and having Cody play his clarnet with me. I am looking forward to working with my awesome cousin Scott in updating the family tree and making a coffee table book with all our history available to future generations. You must see where you have come from before you can continue your journey on the right path. I am hopeful that karma will protect me in my journey and hope that I will not have to pull out my voodoo doll to help it along.
I hope that sometime this year my friends and their partners can be married legally. Life, liberty and the persuit of happiness should not be prohibited by any man.(or woman). I hope Jesse Ventura will run for president. Yeah, I said it. Jesse Ventura. Send a wrestler to the white house, he can't screw it up any worse than it already is. I actually see some good coming out of it.
I will remain optimistic as possible, supportive of my family and friends as possible, assist karma where ever I can, and do what I must to survive this insane roller coaster ride.
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Justice is Blind, Society is Deaf, and someone took the last cookie.....
Many remark justice is blind; pity those in her sway, shocked to discover she is also deaf.
DAVID MAMET, Faustus
We all find out shortly after birth that life isn't fair. There are 2 places in our lives where we are considered equal, or so at least they say, and I'm not so sure that even holds truth. One is in the nursery when we are born, the other being the place we are laid to rest when we die. Rather than go into a deep quandry about those two places, I'll let you decide with your own judgement. Fast forward from the nursery to Elementary school. Think back to Jimmy. Yes, we all knew a Jimmy or two in Elementary school. It may even have been a Jane. For now we will just call that person Jimmy for the sake of argument. Jimmy is the teacher's pet. Jimmy does well, gets special privliges. Jimmy can spit in the person's hair that sits infront of him because he's an asshole. You know it, I know it, we all see it. Ah, however, Mrs. Smith that blind, deaf old bat can't see or hear it. Why? Jimmy sucks ass and is her favorite so there is no possible way Jimmy can do any wrong. The more evidence Kate, Billy and the rest of the class present that Jimmy is a total douche is ignored.Jimmy can lie, get caught and come out smelling like a rose. We all want to beat the hell out of Jimmy. And Mrs. Smith.
Now take Billy. Billy is generally a good kid that likes to help out and has a few issues. He may be a little slow. Maybe he doesn't have a great home life or live in the nicest neighborhood. No matter what he does, no matter what happens, when Jimmy gets caught, he blames Billy. Billy because of whatever fault he may have or the situation he was born into that was not his choice, is not believed no matter what evidence he presents, is banned a liar, even though he is telling the truth, and is punished while that lying sack of shit Jimmy moves on with his life, destined to be the CEO of a company somewhere.
Laugh if you will. This happens every day. It may even be happening in your own home right now. If you have more than one child, I'd almost assure you that it is. The moral of the story is, if Jimmy, while caught in the blatant act of lying was on the receiving end of a good old fashioned ass beating, I would almost guarentee he would think twice about lying again. Meanwhile, Billy, who no matter what he does, who receives that good old fashioned ass beating for almost anything is the one that suffers in silence, but yet, will become the pack mule that bears societies burdens. I'm not saying that Billy willl grow up someday to be an axe murder or anything, though possible, however, Billy has an appriciation for people that trust and believe in him later on in life and Jimmy, well, he's still a lying weasel that needs his ass kicked.
Remember, Jimmy can take the last cookie, have crums on his face and lie about and gee, lady justice is blind and deaf to it. Billy can take the last cookie cause he hasn't eaten all day, tell the truth about taking it and still get the ass beating. Yeah, where is the justice in that? There isn't any. Truth, justice and the American way, my ass. I'm going to go find a Jimmy to punch in the face.
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